White Sox Found in Bed with 7-Eleven, Scorned Stop'n'Go Has No Comment

So according to Feed The Goat sources (read:ESPN.com), the White Sox next year will start games at 7:11 (instead of 7:07) in accordance with a new sponsorship deal from the convenience store chain. Rationalizing this colossal waste of money, 7-Eleven spokeswoman Margaret Chabris said that "Every time the media announces the game's start time it will be a gentle reminder of our sponsorship." Someone who actually follows sports failed to notify Chabris, along with those that control the purse strings at America's preeminent convenience store, that few media outlets actively publicize sporting event start times to the minute, and even fewer sporting fans pay attention to such things.

When asked whether or not this change in starting time would affect his pre-game preparation or his on-the-field performance, Mark Buehrle admitted that he "pretty much sucked ass this year no matter what the start time was," later saying that he might use those extra four minutes to conspicuously down a Slurpee during his bullpen routine. Sources close to the White Sox confirm that if Buehrle were to undertake such an action, it would be broadcast on the stadium jumbotron and Buehrle would be encourage to give a thumbs up and a big smile while mouthing the words "7-Eleven is the awesomest!"

Feed the Goat reporters approached Manager Ozzie Guillen for comment on this developing story, only to be rebuffed with a nearly unintelligible string of expletives directed towards rookie centerfielder Brian Anderson. It was unclear as to whether this was related to the 7-Eleven endorsement deal or not.