Or give me more money to keep punching my timecard at this futile organization. Either way, I don't really care. I'm not exactly sure how much money I'm worth, but it is easily more than the approximately $10 million I was due next year. After all, you'll notice that I hit .291 with 38 homers and 119 RBIs last year, mostly in meaningless games after my team was already hopelessly out of reach of playoff contention. Notice that these numbers are not that different from those of Alex Rodriguez, who hit .290/35/121 last year. You will also notice that I only comitted 13 errors last season, as compared to Mr. Rodriguez's 24 errors.
As Moises Alou once told me as he was peeing on his hands, numbers do not lie. Therefore, I am a player of equal stature to Mr. Rodriguez. I can also verify that I am more well-endowed than Mr. Rodriguez. Hence, I am worth at least as much as Mr. Rodriguez's $21 million per season. Also, during the course of my research, I have found that the girly-man Magglio Ordonez makes $16 million per season. Take one look at his luscious locks and tell me he is worth more than I am. You cannot do it. You cannot do it because he is not. He is in all ways less of a man than me, Aramis.
In closing, I would just like to make it clear that I am not filing for free agency in search of more money. I'm doing it for the fans. The fans of the Chicago Cubs, or whomever decides to hire my services, deserve a more well-compensated Aramis Ramirez. Especially all my fans back in the Dominican, who will never see as much money in their lifetime as I spend on underpants in a weekend: this is for you. I'm working hard to keep the dream alive.