Trout's Picks of Contrariety, Week 5

Keep up the good work, Gage. You're makin' me look smart. Now I just need to actually start betting on these games. I know, I know, you'll contend that I have no "strategy," that my picks take no "talent," that I "know little" about football. To that, I say, "whatever." The only strategy, talent, and intelligence I need is the complete opposite of a mediocre-at-best betting man.

The past two weeks I've been 6-4, baby, 6-4. Let me tell you how that projects over a 162-game baseball season: 97 wins. If the White Sox could've won at my pace, they would've just swept the A's in the divisional series instead of Frank Thomas and company trotting on to the ALCS after making the Twinkies' lineup look like they should've looked all year.

This week I make a prediction about my predictions: I will once again post a winning record.

NY Giants (-4.5) over Washington
Has anyone heard that Eli Manning is Peyton Manning's brother? Incredible! This information just crossed my desk this week, as I requested my handsome young page (I think he's 15; I know he likes strawberry ice cream) do some research on the New York football Giants. Thank God he came back with this gem; picking the Giants becomes a foregone conclusion on the strength of Manning juice alone.

Pittsburgh (+3) over San Diego
First, I would like to say to Gage that football teams going to the West Coast is nothing--NOTHING--like baseball teams doing the same thing. The reasons are numerous, but let me just give you one: taking a flight after a 7 PM start (or even a 1 PM start), getting in to the West Coast city in the wee hours, and then playing the next day (all this after playing day after day after day) is not remotely like hopping on a plane on Saturday, spending a leisurely day in town and then playing the next day. To that, I would add that Pittsburgh has a good defense. San Diego has a rookie (sort of) quarterback. Also, Bill Cowher is upset about losing. Pittsburgh not only covers, but wins.

Cleveland (+8) over Carolina
Charlie Frye to Braylon Edwards is the new Montana to Rice. Well, maybe not. But Poop Browns only lose by a TD.

Chicago (-10) over Buffalo
Do coked out hookers jump off bandwagons? I'm confused by Gage's analogy here. Not confused enough to pick Buffalo in this one, though. Chicago made me look dumb last week as they stomped Seattle. Here's a tip, Gage: Seattle (even without Jesus-loving Shaun Alexander) is better than Buffalo. Much better. Chicago by 2 TDs.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over New Orleans
Everybody's jumping on the New Orleans bandwagon. Not I! A crappy Cadillac Williams and a Bruce Gradkowski (who has had 2 weeks to prepare, mind you--2 weeks!) will only lose by 6. I hope. Gradkowski will be a stellar "game manager," making Chris Simms wish he had had a stronger spleen.