9.10.2006

Manning love fest, running commentary

So since this site basically rips everything off from Bill Simmons or Deadspin or somewhere else (we are, in general, quite unoriginal... just ask our friends), I've decided to do a running commentary of Manning Bowl/Love Fest/Circle Jerk '06. And to make this entry even more Simmons-esque, I'll start by saying I missed the day's NFL action (save for Brady's first-play fumble) because I was at Fenway watching the Sox salvage one game of a 3 game set with Royales. Mark Redman, the Royals "All-Star" was tagged (surprise!), Papi hit a homer, and I ate some fried dough. Not too bad. I spent most of the game staring at the left field scoreboard, willing the White Sox to score runs. It didn't happen. The highlight of my day was standing in line behind some disgusting woman with bad skin wearing a pink Red Sox jersey and her 4 misbehaving children, listening to her bitch about how she just spent $45 on chicken fingers, fries, and cokes. I guess maybe she thought it would only be $40. It was a lovely day at the ballpark.

I also feel it necessary to comment on Gage's "Picks of Confidence." By my count, he's 3-1 after the early games, but I don't really care about that (does anyone but Gage? I didn't think so). What I do have to say is that Indy is easily gonna beat the spread against the Giants; forget about them losing. The two-headed monster that is the Colts backfield will run for 100+ yards (if we have learned anything from Denver the past few years, it should be that it doesn't really matter who the RB is, it's the O-line), Peyton will get his 250 and a couple TDs, Tiki Barber will remember he should be past his prime, and Jeremy Shockey will break both legs. I guess maybe that last one is just something I kinda wish would happen...

7:50. So, as much as I want to watch Football Night in America for the gems Costas and company will dish out, I'm not going to. Flipping past, though, I barely caught Costas saying something about the game tonight being the "Peyton vs. Peyton" game. Either Costas is referring to some internal mental struggle Peyton will go through tonight, or he inadvertently revealed a serious man-crush, perhaps even rivaling Cris Collinsworth's affection for both brothers. I'm leaning towards the latter.

8:13. Nothing says football like Pink with a mullet, singing an uninspiring song. Thank you, NBC.

8:15. Popped open a PBR. Maybe this little blog will help me count.

8:17. My woman has a small orgasm at the mention of the name "Tiki Barber." I'm still waiting to hear "Jeff Saturday."

8:22. In case you forgot, tomorrow is 9/11... let's do justice to the memories of those killed by playing some ball!

8:23. First shot of mommy Manning. Thanks for bringing up the commercial, Al. I had almost forgotten this game was going to be tough on Olivia Manning.

8:25. John Madden has the feeling the Colts are going to come out passing when, indeed, the Colts just came out passing. Good call, John. "Feelings" are often correct when they come after the fact.

8:29. For approximately the 1200th time in the past few years, Madden tells us how the Colts' audibles work... 2 run plays and a pass play sent in to Peyton. Great insight.

8:32. Addai levels a Giants DB on a 10 yard run. The woman says, "nice way to come out in the NFL, eh." Yes, yes it is. And then he promptly gets pummeled by Strahan on the next play.

8:36. The first Vinatieri Colts field goal. Weird, but nice. Farewell, Vanderjagt, you mouth-running kicker, you. You're better off touring with Terrell Owens circus anyway.

8:44. The Colts defense is porous, missing arm tackles left and right. Do Purdue proud, Gilbert Gardner, and tackle somebody, for chrissakes.

8:46. Al Michaels references hot cars and bling. Don't act like those things are foreign to you, Al. I've seen how you and Costas roll.

8:47. Madden, in all his wisdom, pontificates about Eli "jamming it in." Too easy.

8:51. Michaels, riffing on Madden, marvels at Peyton "jamming it in" to Dallas Clark. That's what Colts fans have grown to love watching, Al--Peyton jamming, ramming, penetrating.

9:07. Eric Dickerson = ED = Erectile Dysfunction. Eric Dickerson must love this. I wonder if he goes to bars with Bo Jackson and Joe Theismann, both of whom delight in yelling across the bar, "Yo, ED!" Why I picked Bo and Theismann, I do not know.

9:13. Feely misses a FG. Didn't he miss like 4 or 5 field goals in one game last year? This is why he is not on my fantasy team. Not that I really know what I'm doing in fantasy sports. I got doubled up today... and that's even before my opponent has Tomlinson going. Thanks for nothing, Shaun, thanks for nothing.

9:23. Third shot (at least... oops... thanks to Dan for calling it #4) of the parents' Manning. Archie is non-plussed by the Peyton TD. I think maybe he's watching Grey's Anatomy reruns up there in the luxury box; not sure if he was actually aware there was something going on down on the field.

9:30. Gage points out to me that the home movies prove Peyton was always a crybaby. Good catch. Duly noted.

9:34. Wow, a Hot Shots reference to Emilio and Charlie Sheen. As soon as "Charlie Sheen" popped out of Costas' mouth, I was really pulling for "hooker" to follow. Maybe next time.

9:36. Plaxico Burress is tall and good at volleyball, except with footballs. TD Giants.

10:03. It doesn't matter who runs it, the Giants gain at least 5 yards a rush. Where have you gone, defense? Isn't it about time you created a turnover?

10:05. Shockey comes up gimpy after making his first catch. Perhaps a broken leg isn't too much to wish for. Scratch that. Shockey TD. John Madden wets himself with joy.

10:07. I remain confused as to why these Pepsi-machine-as-football-player commercials continue to get made. Is Pepsi getting fan mail from people saying, "Please make more of those. I was a Coke drinker all my life until I saw that commercial. Make more of them so the world will know the wonders of Pepsi."? I think not. Please stop making them. And please stop ruining people like Reggie Bush. Thank you.

10:09. John Madden marvels at how he could possibly "get his mouth around" all three Manning cocks at once (I can only imagine that's what he's referring to). I don't know how you do it either, John, but you do. You do. And that's what makes Sunday Night Football worth watching.

10:30. After a pretty clean game (save for numerous drive killing Giants penalties), 2 quick turnovers in succession. Maybe each Manning decided they wanted the other to win.

10:36. Parents shot count: approximately 7. We're on pace to obliterate my over-under.

10:42. Andrea Kremer is wearing enough makeup to look like a harlot. A no good harlot. What happened to the days of Melissa Stark?

10:46. So I'm noticing that Jim Finn is a Giant now. How are Al and John not pouncing on the fact that he used to be a Colt? This story should rival the Manning brother rivalry. No question.

10:56. Gage begs me to post the following: My issue with all this Manning vs. Manning bullshit is that it's way more over hyped than Ronde vs. Tiki would ever be. And those two aren't just brother's, they're fucking twins! And, they actually get on the field at the same time. Peyton will never tackle Eli, but Ronde could legitimately injure his own twin brother. How's that for irony? -Gage

10:57. I tell Gage it's because the Mannings are white. And also because they are both QBs. Both of these are things America loves: white dudes and dudes who put their hands on other dudes' asses.

11:04. Huge offensive pass interference call that leads to an INT on the next play. Contrary to Madden's and Michaels' opinion that the call was bullshit (as you could see Coughlin mouthing on the sideline), it did seem to me like the receiver pushed off with his forearm. Give us another angle on that, NBC. And yes, I am a Colts fan. Whatever.

11:17. The Colts fail to get a key first down that would enable them to run out the clock. This can only be an attempt to either ruin Gage's bet or boost ratings while trying to lose the game. My money's on Gage leaning towards the former.

11:22. It's always nice to see a game end with extraordinarily poor clock management. Way to go, Giants (especially you Jeremy Shockey. I'm glad you kept your legs unbroken so that you could stay inbounds like a complete freaking idiot).

That's all she wrote, kids. Good day.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dan and Andy here in Chicago just dropping by to tell you we're tuning in.

Jim's Son said...

hmmm...

Football Night in America might just be the best name I've ever heard in my life...

and I must say... Pink was amazing.... but she lacks a certain something that Hank Jr. has... and she wasn't driving any cars on any buildings...

that's ok...I can't wait for 20 years from now when she really knows what she is doing...

enjoying the hell out of this site...

Love,

Jim's Son

P.S. Kellen Lewis for Heisman! (and if you don't think its possible.... my EA Sports simuation gave him 2 back to back)

Jim's Son said...

at Penn Station in Indiana on Saturdays they have a Jeff Saturday special... but a medium or large snadwich and recieve fries and a drink for only $.63. (he is #63)


btw...

Mr. Nickels... school of hard knocks...

gotta love the big 11 alumni...


- Jim's Son

P.S. big time choke by the Jesus Boners today...

Jim's Son said...

i count 3 shots of mom s far... what's your count?

jim's Son said...

4 now

Gage said...

Actually Hot Shots doesn't necessarily mean hookers. That's "Pop Shots"

Jim's Son said...

you know... I've never actually seen the Burger King King make a play in a live game... I'm beginning to think that all of those commercials are actually doctored replays...

also... I'm looking to the feedingthegoat review of the new football movie with the Rock.... seems like a fresh new script for hollywood to work with...

MB said...

I'm not posting this just to remind you that I beat you in fantasy football this weekend. Not at all. BTW, Simmons is supposed to be on Colbert Thursday night.

I'm thinking of starting a new website dedicated to the Mannings. It's going to be called: justwinsomething.com. Or maybe justwinanything.com. But that's only because chokecity.com is already taken.

My venom for the Mannings is just bizarre. I don't really know where it started and I don't really know why it continues to grow, but I've had it with these goobers.

I think it must've started the 800th time Florida made him look like a chump. Or when he finally won an SEC Title in '97, only to get pumped by Nebraska by 25 in the Orange Bowl. Or when Tennessee won the national championship with Tee Martin right after he left.

Or maybe it's because he seems like such a nice guy that no one ever rips him even when it's his fault.

Or maybe it's all those stupid commercials he does despite never winning a title. If NBC didn't do, on the whole (and especially compared to the travesty that is ESPN), such a good job covering the game, all the Manning pablum would've made me vomit in my mouth.

Cut that meat ... cut that meat ...

That commercial was only made fun to watch after Pats fans chanted it at him when he was blowing yet another shot at the Super Bowl against a supposedly inferior team.

But seriously - have you ever seen so much attention given to a family that has never won a title? Never even been to a Super Bowl?

So here we go with another 12-14 win season for the Colts. And come playoff time they're likely to run into Pittsburgh or Baltimore or the Bengals or the Chargers or Patriots who'll play just enough ball control offense and just enough disruptive defense to shut the Colts down yet again. And we'll hear all the excuses - it's not Peyton's fault, he can't do it on his own, if the game was on turf, the defense wasn't good enough, why'd it have to snow ... this year I'm sure we'll hear the missing Edge as an excuse.

But at some point if you're supposed to be the greatest QB of all-time, or of your era, you've got to win championships. Championships. Not just one. Because that's what it's about.

What the Colts really need to do is fire Nice Guy (TM) Tony Dungy and bring in a Tom Coughlin type coach who won't stand for Peyton's bullshit. When Dungy let Peyton get away with waving the punting team off the field in the playoffs last season that said all you needed to know about why this Colts team keeps winning regular season games and losing post-season games. Dungy should've waved the punting team right back on the field. But he didn't.

Maybe the Colts will finally win it this year. I wouldn't be disappointed if they did - I'd love to see Harrison and Freeney get a ring and I'd like to see Peyton finally live up to all the hype - but for all of Peyton's talent and stats and incredible offensive weaponry, I don't think he's got what it takes to be Bart Starr or Terry Bradshaw or Joe Montana or Tom Brady. You can see it in his eyes and body when things get tough - he doesn't want to be there. He doesn't want it to be this hard. He starts wondering why me? He shrugs and stomps and pouts and points the finger at the O-Line at the end of the game. He doesn't look like the kind of guy who inspires his teammates. He doesn't look like the kind of leader that forces his team to win.

It's always something.

At least he's got his commercials to make.

Check it to pancakes.

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