Life According to Madden. Boom!

Don't let their 2-1 record fool you. The Jets suck; Madden told me so (they're 0-3 coming into this week in Maddenland). To be honest, the whole idea was to do this last week, for the Jaguars game (I know ESPN does this simulation type thing every week--I'll get to that later). The only problem was that after trying to play the goddamned game 4 times, Madden conspired each time to make me lose in ridiculous fashion. All-Madden is absolutely merciless. You decide to go for it on 4th and inches on your own 45, and Madden takes it out on you the rest of the game. It's unreal. We're talking like 2 kickoff returns for TDs per half, copious amounts of INTs, muffed punt return catches, ridiculous fumbles returned for touchdowns, and the like. They were the kinds of games where you keep yelling at the TV, "You gotta fucking be kidding me!" Trust me, I was doing this. Just ask my woman. Anyway, on the 5th try or so, I finally played a close game and ended up winning, something like 45-42, with a last second Vinatieri field goal. Again, a lot of ridiculous plays, but hey, it was close.

I resolved to play the Jets game this week. Clean. No fucking around. Here are the ground rules: Standard 5 minutes quarters (I tried 15 minute quarters once for about a half; the score would have been in the 80s. It's just too ridiculous. Sorry, Dan). All-Madden level (because only pussies play Pro or All-Pro. I'm looking at you, Gage). Playing with all the regulars (i.e., Stokley, Bob Sanders, Cory Simon, and Curtis Martin were all in. I would have fixed this if I could, but I'm not going to fuck around trying to figure out such things).

Here's what I've learned from the week 3 Jaguars debacle: All-Madden doesn't like it if you run the same passing plays over and over again. Apparently the AI has this figured out. Who knew? So after resolving to be a little more creative in the play calling, it was time to give the Jets the biznass. Don't worry. I did.

Here's another thing I learned from this game: Joseph Addai will be a fucking beast this week. Also, I learned Dominic Rhodes is slow. Anyway, Addai didn't get to the century mark, but he must've broken off a couple 20 yard runs. Easily. It was beautiful. I-form, twin receivers, run to the weak side. It's foolproof. First drive, Addai runs it in from a few out. Peyton was 2-2 passing for like 30 yards. Just what you'd expect after ending a weak Jets drive of 6 plays.

After we traded field goals, I ended the half with a beautiful play action to Marvin for a TD, making it 17-3 at half. This is realistic, no? Anyway, the second half basically consisted of me playing out the inevitable. A couple of late garbage scores for both teams made the final 37-14 (ESPN's simulation has the Colts winning 35-17; this is how good I am at predicting things). Peyton threw for 348 and 3 TDs and Marvin caught 200+. No turnovers for either side the whole game. This could represent a problem with the accuracy of this whole enterprise; I'm fairly sure Pennington has a fumble or INT in store this weekend.

In any case, it was a Colts winner. Mark it down. Madden said so.