I suck at being a fan.

Nice first post by trout there. I look forward to contributing some sort of witty banter, but first - in the interest of full disclosure - I have to say this: I am not a good sports fan. Every "guy" knows that there are certain rules to cheering on your favorite teams. Most of these I have broken. And now, a few:

- Never give up on your team too early in the season
Let's just say it was hard staying upbeat for the Bruce Coslet years in Cincinnati (or the ten years before that). The crazy thing with the Bengals is that some years this strategy actually paid off. The major drawback here is that it gets really lonely when the bandwagon leaves you behind.

- Don't ever let your team become a little too important
This one reminds me of the 2004 Purdue football season and the time I decided to drink half a bottle of Wild Turkey after a heartbreaking loss to Wisconsin

- Be a good sport (aka Don't start fights with people just because you don't like their team)
Sigh... sorry to hundreds of anonymous Cubs fans

- Never get drunk at a game and curse at or around 1) little kids 2) old people
It's not the "around" part I feel so bad about, it's more than the "at" part. Let's just say that old people sitting behind you at a game, suck. It's like old people at a concert. If you wanted to sit on your ass all night, I understand there's a perfectly good couch just waiting for some cheek imprints in your living room. Certainly, it's more comfortable than your stadium chair. You're at a football game, not a spelling bee. For fuck's sake people.

- If at all possible, tailgate
I guess I'm just lazy and like to sleep in.

- And finally: never, ever look directly at Serena Williams heinie for more than 30 seconds or you could go blind
Look away, do it! Seriously I'm not fucking around here!