1.05.2007

KC vs. Indy Deathmatch, Cheerleader Style

With the Colts wildcard playoff game a mere 26 hours away, I felt compelled to write something about my horse (pun intended, I guess) in the playoffs. But I don't think I could bear to rehash everything everyone else has already said about the matchup (insert something about Larry Johnson and a poor run defense here).

Well praise Jesus, FTG readers, because colts.com blesses its faithful with a Cheerleader of the Week--offering yours truly a perfectly innovative way to compare the Ponies and the Team Soon to Lose. Unfortunately, latter said team has no such Cheerleader of the Week, only further proving their inferiority. Luckily, this week's Colts cheerleader of the week is none other than Crystal T. and, by god, I'll be damned if the Chiefs don't have their own Krystal C. Krystal C., you are my Chiefs cheerleader of the week. So with our Patron Saint, USC's Megan looking on, let the Deathmatch begin, sans judgments on beauty, buxomness, "hotness," or "how much I might like to sleep with each one." I am above objectifying cheerleaders. Completely.

Names: I have a tough time giving the edge to either cheerleader here. Krystal with a K is pretty trashy, but really, can I give points to Crystal with a C? They're virtually the same. Tiebreaker: Crystal's "T" connotes the one and only Mr. T., who, without a doubt, would seriously fuck up whoever Mr. C. is. Edge: Crystal T.

Occupations: While Crystal C. is a wonderfully vague "Marketing Consultant," Krystal T. is a--holy fuck, wait while I regain my senses--software engineer. Damn. I like me some smart women. Oh, and fuck marketing. Edge: Krystal T.

Favorite Movie: Krystal T. likes to watch white Italians get fucked up in The Godfather while Crystal C. likes to watch rich white girls do rich white shit in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Edge: Krystal T.

Favorite Food: They'll both love it if you take them on a date to a sushi bar. Christ, what is it with women and sushi (yes, I'm including you, Gage, in "women")? Krystal T. also likes her granny's cooking, though, and who doesn't? I love my grandma's cooking. Edge: Krystal T.

Interests/Hobbies: Crystal C., aside from claiming to like video games (I don't count Dance Dance Revolution or Guitar Hero as legitimate video games, Crystal, in case that's what you meant), likes a veritable cornucopia of old people activities: bird watching, antiquing, gardening, and stamp collecting. Stamp collecting, seriously? Wow. Krystal T., on the other hand, enjoys doubling down in blackjack and making a motherfucker draw four in UNO while watching Family Guy. Me too, Krystal T., me too. Edge: Krystal T.

So there you have it, Krystal T., in a landslide. Congratulations, Krystal T., you have officially been named the winner of the Trout's KC/Indy Cheerleader Deathmatch. Unfortunately, your team will wilt upon exposure to Joseph Addai's manjuice. Colts, 34-27.

3 comments:

Notorious B.O.B. said...

I once dated a Krystal L. She too was black, but sadly not a cheerleader. Joe would be proud of me I'm sure. Although unlike Wesley Snipes says - once you go black, sometimes you do go back. Oh and where's the preview of the Bengel's playoff...ooh, nevermind I forgot.

Gage said...

Little known fact: only hot chicks and total badasses are allowed to eat sushi. Make a note of it.
I'm rooing for the Chiefs because X-Factor is my favorite flavor Gatorade and Larry Johnson is a racist.

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