1.23.2007

A Few Words on My Good Friend Tank

Continuing FTG's interest in legal matters, trout has managed to score a statement by John Moran, special guest to FTG and judge in the great county of Cook, Illinois. For those who don't watch ER, that's where Chicago is. Without further ado, we give you the honorable John Moran.*

Let me just say that I am well aware that Terry (or, as his friends and I like to affectionately call him, "Tank"--Terry always got shit for being called Terry--"Tank" is so much more manly for a fat man, no?) Johnson has been arrested three times in the past eighteen months. But let me also say that Tank and I are good friends and that I can personally verify that each of those arrests were terrible misunderstandings.

These arrests amounting to nothing more than a host of misunderstandings is chiefly why I granted Tank the ability to travel to Miami for Super Bowl XLI. It has nothing to do with the fact that I wear an '85 Bears good luck t-shirt under my robes or that I listen to the Super Bowl Shuffle to get pumped up for every hearing. Nevermind the Jim McMahon poster in my chambers, the Ditka shrine in my den at home, or the endless dreams where I end up romantically involved with Brian Urlacher. None of these things are of any consequence. Tank Johnson is a good man.

Although Tank should be able to travel, I'm not so sure about Bob Sanders, Reggie Wayne, or Peyton Manning. Before I was informed I didn't have the authority to do so, I was prepared to put all three under house arrest and prevent them from playing in the Super Bowl. Bob Sanders just looks like a criminal--have you seen those tattoos? Reggie Wayne played football for THE U, which should itself be enough to put him under suspicion for illegal activity. And Peyton? Well, Peyton's just a pantywaist. Too many pantywaists on the street.

Don't be surprised if all three of them end up at a strip club with a lot of unregistered firearms the next few weeks. I'm just saying...

*Just so trout doesn't get in any legal trouble, I feel compelled to state that the above is entirely satirical and they are not the words of Judge Moran, who surely had ample legal reasoning to grant Johnson's travel request.