Apparently the Pats and Colts are Playing Sunday. Have You Heard?

I've got nothing to say about the game itself. The media and bloggers galore have flogged this pony to death. But, thank goodness, I can always blog on the bloggers, yes? So let's let the vitriol flow...

Bill Simmons has officially lost touch with reality. The Sports Guy has officially jumped the shark. Yeah, yeah, this is not news. FTG was even founded on the principle that Simmons was slipping. Plenty of other bloggers have noted Simmons' douchebaggery for awhile now--most notably Kissing Suzy Kolber--but Simmons' most recent column drove me over the edge into a blind rage over the numbfuckingskullery on display.

The premise of the whole indignant, dipshitted column is that the Patriots have unjustifiably become the Yankees of football--a team most of America loves to hate. And then Simmons drops this: "If you can't appreciate THIS team, even as an impartial observer, what does that say about the future of sports?" If you don't recognize this as a dumb motherfucking apocalyptic homerism, then you've got Tom Brady's cock firmly implanted up your ass.

Hey, guess what, Bill? I don't fucking appreciate this team. Do I respect them? Yes. I respect the dynasty they've become, even more than I could ever respect the Yankees dynasty--mostly because of the salary cap issues you outline in your otherwise taint-smelling column. But do I appreciate them? Fuck no. You know why? Because I'm a goddamned Colts fan. And 90% of this country is a fan of a team other than the cocksucking Patriots. Does that strike you as strange, Bill? Then pull your head out of your ass and get a breath of fresh air. Contrary to your addled conclusions, Patriots hatred does not signal a fundamental shift in the "fan-sports dynamic," whatever the ass that means. You might as well be Andy Rooney nattering on about sodium in his diet, because you're about as culturally relevant with your brainless Pats worship.

Here's the deal, Bill: the Big Dog--and make no mistake, the Patriots are the Big Dog--exists to be taken down. If the Big Dog wins, the Little Dogs lose, and everyone roots for the Little Dogs. THAT's the American Way.

You try to show us, Bill, how the Patriots uphold all that is good and glorious in professional sports, a team that gets by on sheer GUTS, a team full of unassuming team-oriented players. Nevermind the fact that the same bullshit story could be dreamed up for any of the teams left in the playoffs or the inevitable circle jerk that ensues when everyone from Peter King to Dan Marino brings up the Brady-Belichick genius. Nevermind that New England fans are incredibly more obnoxious than Cubs fans have ever been (and we all know how FTG despises loud, ignorant Cubs fans--God forbid the Cubs ever win something of consequence). Nevermind that Tom Brady is a goddamned goatcuddling cereal-eating pretty boy who apparently has his way with any supermodel he wants. No, nevermind these things. We should all love the Patriots.

What makes the Patriots-as-Big-Dog worse is the endless media frenzy over this era that makes the Peyton Manning jizzfest look like small potatoes. KSK puts it well, I think, writing, "Look, this is not to say that we necessarily hate the Patriots. We're just sick of the blind worship and fellating from the media and the team's fans." Amen, KSK, amen.

Simmons' idiocy is all the more baffling given his recognition of the very reason why so many of us have come to despise the Patriots. He writes: "Like every other Boston fan, I grew up hating the Yankees, Canadiens, Steelers and Cowboys. My teams always lost, those teams always won, and I despised them with every fiber in my body." As you make clear with that statement, Bill, it doesn't matter how the fuck the team wins--whether they do it the "right" way (whatever the fuck that is), whether they overcome all odds, whether they do the "little things," whether they are "clutch"--all that matters is that they've won consistently. And that's no fun for anyone but Pats fans. Wake the fuck up, Simmons.