First off, I'd like to thank trout for so generously and graciously agreeing to post my open letter on the woefully underrated and under-visited Feeding the Goat. God bless you, Gage, and the work that you do.
My main reason for writing, however, is to thank Jerry Colangelo and the current Arizona Diamondbacks management for making me filthy rich at least until I'm 48 years old, long after I'll be of any on-field use to the franchise. You see, I'm already a decrepit 43 and yet I'm owed at least $68 million between now and 2012. Just to do the quick math for you, that's about $11 million a year, or about half a million lap dances at my favorite titty joint. God, it's going to be good to be back in Arizona.
Let me just say that Mr. Colangelo and current DBacks management are proving they know how to build a fiscally sound franchise that will not be burdened by absurd contracts for years to come. If one World Series title and my four Cy Youngs aren't worth more than $60 million six years after the fact, then you can just call me an ugly motherfucker.
Get ready for an injury-laden, 4.50 ERA season that'll look nothing like 2001, DBacks fans. It's cool though, I get paid either way.