Vaya con Dios, Trout

Well, maybe I won't go with God, but I am taking a week off from Boston and my godforsaken paper-writing to do a grand holiday Midwestern tour. This means, unfortunately for all three of our readers out there, that the formidable Feeding the Goat Gage-Trout tandem will be down to the only slightly less formidable Gage solo show for the next week. A Gage alone means many things, not the least of which is that you better expect a marked upturn in the number of penis jokes per post.

It also means that I felt a compulsion to write a post that could do the heavy lifting of the 3 posts I usually manage to shit out in a week. So, lucky you, here you have it: Trout's rundown of games to watch this next week while you're tuning out your family, drinking Jagerbombs with those people you see once or twice a year, or just bored the fuck out of your mind. And just because I care, I picked a game for every damn day.

Friday, December 22- 8 PM, Men's College Hoops, Indiana at IUPUI. This one's probably got the boys over at The Rock frothing at the mouth. What more could you want than an intra-SCHOOL rivalry? Well, maybe something. I can think of a lot of things, actually. But IUPUI, being the Jag-yars that they are, should be getting some handjobs in their backseats. Or something.

Saturday, December 23- 4 PM, Men's College Hoops, #3 Ohio State and #4 Florida. Ya gotta hate the U-Fuckjob Gators. I know Spurrier didn't ever coach men's basketball but his disgusting presence still lingers over the entirety of that school. Also, The Ohio State has that Greg Oden guy. I've still never seen Oden play, so that could be fun... I always see his stats on ESPN's bottom line, and invariably he goes 7-8 from the field with 12 boards. Incredible.

Sunday, December 24- With apologies to Cincinnati/Denver and New Orleans/NY Giants, the Christmas Eve game to watch is San Diego at Seattle, 4 PM. Seattle perplexes me. What the hell is their deal? I don't know how many points they're getting this week against the Diego, but I'm picking them straight up. It just feels right, especially for my fantasy team that needs Shaun "Jesus Loves Me" Alexander and Matt "My Sister-in-law is Foxy Yet Disgustingly Conservative" Hasselbeck to score about 3 TDs apiece. That's not too much to ask for Christmas, is it?

Monday, December 25- You probably thought I was going to pick Philly/Dallas, but, really, who wants to watch Tony Romo and Jeff Garcia in a mediocre NFC battle with playoff implications? Not I. LA Lakers at Miami Heat, 2:30. I watch maybe a half of an NBA game per year, and this may be it. You know, aside from that whole rape thing, Kobe seems like a nice guy.

Tuesday, December 26- English Premiership, Bolton vs. Newcastle. Do I know when the game is? No. Can you watch it even if you wanted to? Probably not. Do I know anything about either of these teams? No. What I do know is that I like to drink Newcastle and Michael Bolton is a no-talent ass clown.

Wednesday, December 27- Emerald Bowl: Florida State vs. UCLA. Why this game? Because emeralds are pretty. And I hope Florida State gets their asses handed to them. Oh, how the once-mighty have fallen.

Thursday, December 28- 7:05 PM, Men's College Hoops, Purdue at Indiana State. David Teague regains the promise that has long since dimmed and drops 25 on the Larry Legends. That, and as Gage has so astutely alluded to, Carl Landry's already freakish hairline seems to have receded another inch. Good god.

Friday, December 29- Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Clemson vs. Kentucky. What the fuck are Gaylord Hotels? Are we talking Holiday Inn level or more like Motel 6? Count me confused. I'm excited for Gage that Kentucky is in a bowl, though. Even if he doesn't care. Go Cats!