Just So You Know I'm Not Dead...

... or that I'm still sort-of paying attention to sports, I thought I'd check in with a scatterbrained post. Let the fun begin.

1. BTC thinks the NFL should let Vick squirm, but if I was Vick, I'd either a) be a hell of a lot more worried about the feds than playing time this upcoming year, or b) too dumb, douche-baggy, or cocky to squirm all that much about Goodell's hammer about to drop. Given the Pacman Jones line, Goodell just needs to (and will soon, I imagine) suspend Vick indefinitely and get it over with. Michael Vick = the next Lawrence Phillips x 100. In other news, Kige is taking the Joe Morgan "I can't make a call on whether or not Joe Torre is a racist because I wasn't there" tack (go visit Fire Joe Morgan and you'll see that, really, this is Joe's stance on everything--he can't comment because he wasn't there--read:anywhere--personally) and is withholding judgment. Sage man.

1b. In the poor joke department, what do you think Vick's ratings will be in Madden '08? I gotta think his awareness and agility will suffer considering his inability to escape the feds. If his toughness isn't above 80, the Falcons should just soak him in water and electrocute him. Ba-dum ching. That was me crossing that ever-tricky "good taste" line. To make up for it, I'll say that Vick's treatment of dogs is (was?) despicable, disgusting, and pretty unimaginable. I'd encourage everyone to sign on to the Humane Society's condemnation of Vick.

2. The Cubs are the hottest team in baseball. I agree with this. And so does Kige. What's a Cubs-hating blog to do? Lose interest, I guess. On the plus side, as Carlos Zambrano goes, so does my fantasy team. And he has been dominating lately.

3. Ichiro's new deal pays him at least through 2032. Quick math tells me that's 25 years from now. If Ichiro won the lottery, I guess he probably wouldn't take the lump sum payment. Kige agrees that Ichiru Sazaki signed with the Mariners as well. Big week for the M's.

4. Jermaine Dye is on fire. Who wants him? Surely someone. Work your magic, Kenny. Contreras, pull your head out of your ass so that someone wants you. I'm ready for 2008.

5. It's comical that the Sox are still talking like they have a chance. Absolutely comical. This is not a team built to win. That, and they've got six teams to jump for the wildcard. Six. And they have the same record as Baltimore. Baltimore.

6. Tomorrow is my first chance to see the Sox in person all year. At Fenway, the game features Dice-K (Dice-K!) vs. Vazquez. Here's hoping the Japanese wonder gets battered by Thome, Konerko, and Dye, proving my skepticism about his performance this year correct. More likely, though, he'll strike out 11 on his way to a shutout. We shall see. And you really will, too, because I think I'll take my camera.

Welcome Back to the South Side of .500... and other random thoughts around baseball

Well, the White Sox dropped their fifth straight last night to sink to a game below .500. At least they did it in record time so as to not prolong the misery: Roy Halladay and Mark Buehrle collaborated to finish this one in about 1:50. Too bad Buehrle had to give up a couple solo shots tonight (one to Big Frank) as the only hits he surrendered all game. He must have been on, because he only threw 91 pitches over 8 innings in the loss. Man, I really hope the White Sox re-sign him rather than trading him by the deadline or letting him go. I'll miss him sliding around on rain delay tarps. Oh wait, management doesn't let him do that anymore. Fuckers.

What could be more emblematic of the way the Sox are playing right now than Darin Erstad going down like a sack of potatoes on a swinging strike (video in right-hand sidebar if you're interested) and Hawk apparently on the verge of tears about it in the booth? It's hard to think of anything. Erstad may be back sooner rather than later because he apparently didn't break his ankle, but it's hard for me to believe that it really matters that much either way for the Sox. I'm not going to pile on Erstad like a lot of Sox bloggers out there, but I doubt the Sox are much worse with Jerry Owens in center instead of the punter-grinder. I'm not giving up on this team just yet, but if they're more than 4 out by the All-Star break, stick a fork in them, they done.

And before I leave off the White Sox, let me tell you how much fun it is to see practically every televised game of the best team in baseball with the second-most obnoxious fan base in baseball, currently 20 games over .500 while I watch my team flounder from afar. Guhhhhhh....
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So how about these A-Rod shenanigans? No, not the strip club/wife-cheating stuff. Sure, it's fun to know that A-Rod is into the "she-male, muscular type" strippers, but that presumably has little to do with his on-field exploits. No, I'm talking about his Little League-style distraction of a Blue Jays infielder, causing a dropped pop up that apparently everyone in baseball needs to weigh in on (note to A-Rod: you're probably in the wrong when Barry Bonds and Ozzie Guillen are backing you up). What the fuck is with this guy? First, the glove-slapping incident, and now this. Every kid who played Little League--or any other youth sport, for that matter--should be familiar with this sort of behavior. It always comes from that nancy-boy prick that no one likes. Note #2 to A-Rod: You're now 31 years old, not 11. If you're going to play like a douchebag asshole, at least grow up and do it like a man (see: Bruce Bowen).

In other Yankees news, Jason Giambi could be out the rest of the season after tearing up his foot rounding the bases in a home run trot. Ha. Awesome. One word for you, Mr. Giambi and your fellow Yankees: karma. Enjoy joining that shitstorm, Rocket. You deserve it.

Last but not least, while we here at FTG regularly like to make light of the annual Kerry Wood/Mark Prior sagas over on the North Side, it's not meant in any way (at least when it comes from me) to take glee in their career-threatening injuries. Instead, it's meant to take glee in yet another source of Cubbie disappointment. If you haven't had the chance to check out the New York Times feature on Kerry Wood (and pitching injuries in general), do yourself a favor and go read it. It's impossible to not feel for Kerry Wood (and Mark Prior, wherever you are), a 29-year-old guy who is now a 9 year major league vet and just wants to make it back so his 2-year-old kid can experience his daddy playing in Wrigley. Here's hoping that Kerry makes it back one of these days and has a successful career. For a losing Cubs team.

With the Cubbies in the cellar and Lou Piniella on the verge of blowing up Charlie Manuel style...

... it seemed like an appropriate time to dig up this little gem of a Cubs manager rant from yesteryear (Lee Elia, 1983). This year's Cubs are better than the 1983 5-14 start, but hey, if they lose their next 4, they'll be 6-14. Close enough. How long until Piniella jumps on the fanbase, I wonder? Soon, I hope. Enjoy (NSFW).

We must protect this leafy green wall-crawling plant!

Well, I guess this is what you get. The Cubs went out and spent a shitload of money bringing in players this off season, so you knew something had to give. Well it did. The franchise has officially spit in the face of every Cubs' fan who loves Wrigley and the tradition by putting advertisements in with the outfield ivy. And this is no ad for Wrigley's chewing gum either. Shoot, who needs tradition when you have Alfonso Soriano? The best part about this is that the bleacher bums probably won't even notice until it's pointed out that a game is going on, by which point they'll be drunk enough to believe that it's some fancy new gardening technique. The upside is this could help Kerry Wood land an endorsement deal: "I always rehab in my Under Armor!"

Look Out Iowa, Here We Come

Let me get two things out of the way right now: I pretty much hate both the Cubs and Notre Dame. So it seems somehow fitting that Jeff Samardzija passed up an NFL career to toil away in the minor leagues. Drew Henson, anyone?

Of course, I don't think Drew Henson could hit a 97 mile per hour fastball. Or maybe he could. Whatever. As it stands, Samardzija is apparently a pretty good pitching prospect. Or at least the Cubs think he could be. Which are two completely different things. In any event, Samardzija signed a five year $10 million contract with the Cubs, thereby signing away his football future. Enjoy riding shitty buses all over the Midwest, playing a ridiculous baseball schedule, and humping the likes of Susan Sarandon instead of playing 16 games a year, flying around in a chartered jet, and humping the likes of Gisele Bundchen. Should be great. Hopefully neither you nor the Cubs regret this decision. And by that I mean I hope you both do.

In other Cubs news, Mark Prior claims he's ready to go for next season. Did you hear that, Cubs fans? Be sure to draft Prior early in your fantasy leagues; your fellow managers will thank you when he goes down with some mysterious arm injury a week into the season.

Oh, to live in Iowa this summer. You may get to see both Mark Prior rehab and Jeff Samardjiza get rocked. It's good to be a Cubs hater.

It's December and I'm Talking About Baseball. Fucking Deal With It.

Dave Dombrowski is smart and stuff. He locked up Jeremy Bonderman through 2010, and the maximum he'll get paid is $12.5 million (the real kicker is $4.5 million next year and $8.5 million in 2008--Dombrowski must have really worked Bonderman over with his Jedi mindshit). It's a relative bargain given the crazy free agent market, especially when you consider Bonderman is only 24 and struck out over 200 last year and his ERA has steadily decreased over the last 3 years. I'm not relishing the thought of the White Sox facing Bonderman for years to come.

Jim Bowden confuses me. Maybe he's just a crazy alcoholic, but he traded away Jose Vidro for essentially nothing, in an effort to cut payroll. This is not what confuses me. What confuses me is that Vidro was the guy that the Nationals just couldn't displace in order for Soriano to play second. And now Washington essentially cuts him. Fucking stupid.

And last but not least, the issue nearest and dearest my heart. Phil Rogers is an idiot. After describing the huge free agent contracts handed out by the Cubs this offseason, he writes "No team figures to feel the impact of these contracts more than the White Sox." Ummm... no. The impact of these contracts will be felt most by the Cubs, particularly in 2008 and beyond when their strapped with expensive contracts for Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Ramirez, and Soriano. What is Phil Rogers smoking? Because the Cubs are dropping money on shitty starters like Lilly and Marquis, the White Sox are supposed to crap their pants in fear and inadequacy? Give me a break. Also, Phil, I curse you for sharing a name with a potter, rendering it impossible to find a picture of you through a Google image search. In protest, I post a picture of Kenny Rogers instead.

Damn, How About them Cubby Bears?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. I'm jealous. Very, very jealous. The Cubs have apparently landed the premier free agent of the offseason, signing Alfonso Soriano to an 8-year, $136 million contract. I'm sad Kenny Williams doesn't have that kind of cash to play with... but what's up with the Cubs recently? Maybe it was a Dusty Baker sabotage job, or maybe they just really hated the past two years living in the shadow of the White Sox, but whatever the reason is, the Cubs are definitely the biggest mover thus far this offseason.

They've committed over $200 million in the past week, and their lineup is fast becoming one of the scariest in the NL. The combination of Soriano, Derrek Lee, and Aramis Ramirez is about as good as any in all of baseball. And with Houston apparently close to signing Carlos Lee (according to Buster Olney), the NL central is looking tougher by the day. Too bad, Reds fans.

But who's going to pitch on this offense-oriented Cubs team? Maybe they're just hoping to make it to the playoffs on a janky pitching staff, crossing their fingers that an overworked Zambrano-Prior tandem can stay healthy through October. Foolproof!

Get Me the Hell Off This Sunken Ship

Or give me more money to keep punching my timecard at this futile organization. Either way, I don't really care. I'm not exactly sure how much money I'm worth, but it is easily more than the approximately $10 million I was due next year. After all, you'll notice that I hit .291 with 38 homers and 119 RBIs last year, mostly in meaningless games after my team was already hopelessly out of reach of playoff contention. Notice that these numbers are not that different from those of Alex Rodriguez, who hit .290/35/121 last year. You will also notice that I only comitted 13 errors last season, as compared to Mr. Rodriguez's 24 errors.

As Moises Alou once told me as he was peeing on his hands, numbers do not lie. Therefore, I am a player of equal stature to Mr. Rodriguez. I can also verify that I am more well-endowed than Mr. Rodriguez. Hence, I am worth at least as much as Mr. Rodriguez's $21 million per season. Also, during the course of my research, I have found that the girly-man Magglio Ordonez makes $16 million per season. Take one look at his luscious locks and tell me he is worth more than I am. You cannot do it. You cannot do it because he is not. He is in all ways less of a man than me, Aramis.

In closing, I would just like to make it clear that I am not filing for free agency in search of more money. I'm doing it for the fans. The fans of the Chicago Cubs, or whomever decides to hire my services, deserve a more well-compensated Aramis Ramirez. Especially all my fans back in the Dominican, who will never see as much money in their lifetime as I spend on underpants in a weekend: this is for you. I'm working hard to keep the dream alive.

Regards,

Aramis