4.24.2007

Scandal in the Heartland!

I just noticed that there may be some impact on my fantasy team because Torii Hunter promised the Royals some expensive champagne if they swept the Tigers at the end of last year. I guess bribery is still not allowed in in professional sports, assuming you get caught that is. Frankly, I'm shocked by these revelations. Outraged, even! This is really only one small step away from gambling on games and I demand that Torii Hunter be given a lifetime ban from baseball. He has besmirched the very essence of the game and can no longer be trusted to compete. (Side note to Torii: Next time, just buy them each one of those "special" lap dances from your favorite gentleman's club. It's how business is done in the modern workplace.)

As a result of this besmirchment, rumors are flying around indicating that Bud Selig will be pulling George Mitchell off the steroid investigation (that one's a dead end anyway) and he will be re-tasked with policing any suspicious transactions taking place around the league. Possible investigation items include:
  • David Eckstein offering up his virginity to the first female to wear his jersey to a game
  • Jose Conseco bribing anyone who reads his book with free HGH
  • Barry Bonds extorting thousands of dollars of "lunch money" from teammates in what is being called the "upside down ankle holding shake-out of 2007"
  • George Steinbrenner enticing Roger Clemens to join the Yankees with the gift of his first born child
  • Jeff Weaver receiving 2006 post-season success from Satan in exchange for his soul
  • Kerry Wood offering anyone who strikes out on his 82 MPH fastball a jar of his tears

8 comments:

Tittle500 said...

Everyone knows that David Eckstein is not a virgin. He's been banging his wife, Ashley "the face" Drane ever since she finished up her great win on GUTS!

Gage said...

I've heard a glowing piece of the Agro-crag can really make a girl hot.

trout said...

i thought you all had lost your minds. but then i found this:
http://www.idoforbrides.com/oncover.htm

trout said...

by the way, torii hunter is a douche, precisely for the reason depicted in that post. poor, poor, defenseless jamie burke.

Gage said...

I say David Eckstein is still a virgin despite his marital status.

Tittle500 said...

Gage... I think you may be right now that I think about it...

If you go to Wiki and do a search of "Ashley the face Drane" you will find that the first most likely result is Nickelodeon GUTS and you may find this to be a very enlightening article.

trout said...

wow, did you see the special guests lists for 1994? ALL-STAR. dominique wilkins. picabo street. evander holyfield. and, my personal favorite, charlie ward. for some reason i never could wrap my head around him going to play for the knicks...

Notorious B.O.B. said...

Hey Im back! I am starting to settle into the new job. aka - starting to feel more confident in surfing the net while being paid to do other stuff.

All I got to say is, ditto to Brian's thoughts. Torii is a douche. And I will verbally, and God willing, physically assault him if we shall ever cross paths. Tell your Mom to learn how to spell, Torii.