Time to Jump on a New Bandwagon!

It's not even June yet, but the Reds just lost three out of four to the Nationals, at home dropping them to 18-30 and I'm officially done with them. They now have the worst record in baseball. This month certainly hasn't gotten any better after the horrendous start. The media is beginning to call for Jerry Narron's head and I can't say that I blame them. He consistently mismanages games, dreams up ridiculous lineups and fields a piss poor defensive team on a nightly basis. There's absolutely no signs of righting this ship.

What I'm getting at is this: it's time for me to find another team to root for. I love baseball too much to just give it up for the rest of the season. Now, I'm open to all options if anyone has a compelling reason why I should root for their team, but here's the way I see it:

No Way, No How
Cubs - I'd rather take up knitting and stab myself wit the needles in my temples

Yankees - Only if Steinbrenner paid me $17 million/year.

Red Sox - Maybe after they offered me $17 million to prove they're just as good as the Yankees.

Indians - Even if I could set the in-state rivalry aside, I'm not going to cheer for a red-faced grinning mascot with a feather in his headband.

Astros - Not even if they brought back the retro unis and issued a public statement stating "Roger Clemens is a bitch."

Your Team Sucks
Pirates - I wrote a whole season preview on these guys, have watched them play several times and still couldn't name you a single starting pitcher. No thanks.

Rangers - If it weren't for their off day yesterday they'd have had a chance to tie the Reds for worst record in baseball. At least they have Eric Gagne.

Royals - Shouldn't they have been relegated years ago?

Nationals - While I do support our nation, I'm just going to have to wait and see how this whole grievance thing plays out. I don't want to get pulled into the middle of a nasty court battle.

Rockies - Jeeze, it's already Todd Helton trade rumor season? Time's just slipping away.

Devil Rays - Tampa is playing games in minor league parks now. Must be good for team morale.

Your Barry Bonds Sucks
Giants - Ummm no. The Bonds debacle and easy, breezy, beautiful Barry Zito? Moving on...

Just Fell Short
Brewers - Feel good story, plus who doesn't like people with Wisconsin accents, or cheese, or running sausages. Really, I could root for this team in the playoffs, but they just have too many games against Cincinnati and I couldn't even pretend.

Blue Jays and Orioles - I couldn't figure out a "bird watching" joke for this spot that didn't make me want to throw away my keyboard, so make up your own. Anyway, this should be a fun race for third in the division, yet again, and that's not really worth cheering for.

White Sox - I have no intention to indulge my blog cohort and actually follow his team instead of asking him how many homers Aaron Rowand has for the Sox this year. I bet he hits a hundred.

Diamondbacks - I like their young talent, but I don't think anybody believes they'll pass the three teams ahead of them. Plus, their stadium has air conditioning which is kind of a turn-off. I like my stadiums like my women: hot, sweaty and open-air.

Mariners - Ichiro and Felix, right? That's all I know. Apparently the Pacific Northwest has shut off all baseball transmissions to the Midwest. I have yet to see them play and we all know that Bristol is pretty far away from Seattle so I'm not holding my breath for highlights. It would be virtually impossible for me to follow this team.

Twins - Just not their year. The pitching staff isn't there (single tear for Liriano), and Torii Hunter is playing his butt off to get himself traded after the All-Star break and paid in the off-season. I wonder if he's been talking to Carlos Lee.

The Contenders
Phillies - They've got some exciting young pieces and some wily veterans. That sounds like a fun team to watch. Sadly, no one told Ryan Howard that the season has started and Tom "Rascal Scooter" Gordon is showing his age. Do I think they can make the playoffs? Yeah, I do. Do I think they will? Probably not.

Athletics - Here's another west coast team I know nothing about. I'd love to learn some fun facts about the A's. For all I know, Dan Haren pitches every day and Nick Swisher has formulated his entire persona with the expressed purpose of stealing Jason Giambi's former life.

Padres - I feel like they have some good karma, lots of talent, and of course Greg Maddux pitching complete games against the Reds. How can it go wrong? My only concern is that all the drama of this ongoing immigration debate might get to them, being so close to the border. After all, their offense would be in trouble if Adrian Gonzalez got deported.

Tigers - Last year's feel-good story of the playoffs, until they somehow completely fell apart in the Series. I like Magglio Ordonez and Sean Casey will always hold a special place in my heart. Don't judge me. An added bonus with this choice is that it would really tweak Trout if I was writing about the Tigers for the rest of the season. I think he might have a breakdown if they made the playoffs and the Sox were on the outside looking in. That would make it all worth it.

Braves - Advantage: on TBS all the time so I could actually watch games. Disadvantage: personal history. That's right, I have a grudge against the Braves. When I was in my formative years of little league (6th grade All-Star baby!) I played for the Phillies and was damned proud of it. The same season my brother played for the Braves thus establishing some loosely formed allegiances. Well, that just so happened to be 1993 when they met in the NLCS. We were a house divided. Of course, the Braves won, and I haven't forgiven them since. And I still have a hard time whenever I see John Kruk. Okay, I feel better.

Angels - I like Vlad, I like their pitching staff, I couldn't tell you if Garret Anderson is still playing or not. Yet another west coast team who ends their games at 1am. Of course, there's always Disneyland!

Dodgers - My pick to win the West, they're looking pretty good so far. The problem: they have some douchebags. Could I really convince myself to root for Nomar? Maybe. Jeff Kent though? Not a chance. Just look at that moustache. I'm pretty sure even Kent's teammates want to see him strike out.

So there you have it. I really don't know who to pick. I'm leaning towards the Tigers, but I do hate the notion of picking an AL team. Maybe I'll go with the Braves and try to convince myself that the Reds are going to sign Andruw Jones this offseason. I can't decide. Thoughts?

Knock on Wood...

I really don't want to jinx it, but watch out because Ken Griffey Jr. is having a pretty solid start to his season. Last night he hit his ninth homer of the year and drove in his 27th run. Not bad for an old guy with bionic legs and brittle bones. Maybe we'll see a 100 RBI season out of him again after all. Or maybe a stiff breeze will turn him into a pile of dust as he rounds the bases. Stay tuned.

As for the rest of the game...Arroyo sucked for basically the first time all season. Not sure what 6 ER in 2 IP is all about.... Javy Valentin's homer was absolutely crushed down the right foul line. It had a chance to bounce into the river.... The bullpen has not gone into radioactive meltdown in about three days, shockingly.... I like when they win better than when they lose.

Ugh. Blew Another One.

What was that I said a month ago about the bullpen being stellar? Nevermind. Apparently this is going to be the type of season that when the pitching and defense are good, the offense doesn't have a clue; when the offense starts to come around, the pitching goes in the toilet. I'm no master baseball strategist, but could this have something to do with carrying 7 guys in the bullpen? 7 guys who aren't seeing a whole lot of work because they have to split time?

Oh well. Screw it. Even though these losses sting even more because they came up on the North Side, I'll continue to try and look on the bright side--Thome is back next week, Toby Hall is back and can hit (if not play defense), the offense is starting to come around, and the bullpen isn't as bad as it's looked the past two days. Or if it is, at least Gage and I can commiserate about our mediocre teams with mediocre bullpens.

Four Errors.

Way to blow a good outing by Buehrle, assholes--you can bet he wasn't smiling like that after MacDougal took a giant crap on his game by giving up a triple to the force that is Angel Pagan. Mike MacDougal, you are the weakest link. Go sit at the end of the bullpen.

As bad as the bullpen was, the errors bother me more. I don't know what the numbers are on how often a team wins when they commit 4 errors, but it can't be often. I do know, however, that Jose Valentin is the career leader in errors committed amongst active players, and we didn't win a whole lot of important games win that douche was around...

What a fucking month.

Thursday brought the first day of blessed relief in this month of the Reds' schedule after what has been one of the more painful implosions I can remember. Just for reference, here's a quick rundown of May so far:

May 1: Win 11-2 at Houston. Alright, way to start the month off strong. The bats wake up, the bullpen gets to relax a little bit. Bronson finally get some run support. We're right in the race. All is right with the world.

May 2: Lose 1-3 at Houston. Fucking Roy Oswalt. Can we get him put in a different division? Jesus Christ this guy is incredible. Adam Dunn's homer is the only run in the game. Just excruciating to watch, unless you're an Astros fan, I presume.

May 3: Lose 5-7 at Houston. Well, that was certainly exciting. The Redlegs come back to score three in the top of the eight and take a 5-4 lead. This one would have been a big win. I had one commercial break worth of excitement until Mike Stanton (the 40 year old) enters the game in the bottom of the inning and gives up three without recording an out. Way to blow a division series.

May 4: Lose 4-5 vs. Colorado. Both starters kind of sucked in this one, Griffey homered which was encouraging and the game went into extra innings. Enter the incomparable Mike Stanton. Having borrowed a 12 year old girl's arm again, he surrenders the winning run in the 11th. Surely, he's got to snap out of it, right?

May 5: Lose 9-7 vs. Colorado. The Rockies clinch their first road series win of the season. Encouraging. Harang struggles, Coffey sucks, Santos let's it blow wide open. A two run eigth inning rally falls short. The Java Man is found crying into his espresso at his locker after the game. Seriously, we're not better than Colorado?

May 6: Win 9-3 vs. Colorado. Thank you baseball gods. I don't know if I could handle losing three straight at home to the Rockies. Arroyo doesn't pitch his best, but the bats come to life against the venerable Josh Fogg. Josh Hamilton hit two homers in this game. Jeeze, the guy is incredible. My meth dealer has nothing but good things to say about him, too.

May 7: Lose 5-4 vs. Houston. Oh, sweet. Oswalt again. Twice in one week. That's just great. What's that? Yes, I do realize I'm holding a clump of my own hair. Oswalt pitches 7 strong innings, but the Reds are still in the game and take the lead. Ryan Freel goes 0-5 with two strikeouts batting leadoff. That's knowing your role. Ohhh and guess what. The 40 year old noodle arm has another ERA of infinity on the night and the 'Stros come back to win against the bullpen.

May 8: Lose 6-7 vs. Houston. Eric Milton doesn't completely suck, he only mostly sucks but gives the Reds a chance to win the game. Alas, the bullpen surrenders three more runs and Dave Weathers can't even hold to a one run game in the ninth. I think I'm hyperventilating, pass me that brown paper bag, and that bottle of Scotch.

May 9: Lose 2-3 vs. Houston. Woody Williams shuts down the bats giving up 2 through 6.2 and yet another solid performance by Matt Belisle goes wasted. Woody fucking Williams. The bullpen throws out some guys who aren't fat and/or old and somehow they don't give up any runs. Shocking.

May 10: Win 9-5 vs. Houston. Way to "salvage" this four game series. Winning only the final game of a four game home series is like masturbating after some lackluster sex. Sure, you got off, but what the hell were you doing the rest of the time? By the way, Griffey and Dunn are quietly getting hot.

May 11: Lose 0-2 at Los Angeles. This was the game where Randy Wolf decided to strike out 11 in seven innings. Yeah, who saw that one coming? Arroyo pitches well again and fails to get a win. His ERA is UNDER THREE and he only has two wins!! Tragic, really. Note: this begins the west coast road trip where everything got hazy at about the 6th inning when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.

May 12: Lose 3-7 at Los Angeles. Brad Penny has big sloping shoulders. He scares me. He also scared the Reds' lineup. The Dodgers threw up a five spot on Lohse in the fifth and that's all it took. This is a frustrating LA lineup. No power, no superstars, just smart hitters who knock in base runners. Well, at least I still like my pick for them to win the West.

May 13: Lose 5-10 at Los Angeles. Happy Mothers' Day! The bullpen gives up five in a tie game going into the eighth. Shockingly, Mike Stanton was only responsible for one of those. Stanton's current ERA, a robust 8.18. Sweep! My apathy has peaked.

May 14: Lose 1-7 at San Diego. As the headlines point out, Maddux pitches his first complete game in two years. Have he and Randy Wolf formed some sort of secret society to conspire against Cincinnati? What is happening? Where am I? Greg Maddux is supposed to be an over-the-hill serviceable pitcher who gives you six innings and then goes and takes a nap.

May 15: Win 2-1 at San Diego. Aaron Harang pitches nine and gives up one run, and the game goes to extra innings. Somehow David Wells goes 8 innings with 1 ER. What the fuck is going on here? .... Give me a minute.... a blood vessel in my brain just burst. Griffey hits a homer in the 12th to push the Reds over the top. Congrats to the bullpen on one game not blown. I feel like we need one of those signs they hang up in factories: "This bullpen has gone __ days without a blown save. Let's keep it that way."

May 16: Lose 2-3 at San Diego. A grand total of five runs scored in this series. Talk about offense! Arroyo went a complete game, eight innings and still lost. One ER and two errors equals three runs for the Padres. For the record, the defense still sucks. I know I haven't mentioned it to this point, so let me reiterate: the defense still sucks balls. Gah.

So, there you have it. The Reds have checked in with a 4-12 record in the month of May dropping themselves to the bottom of the division (10 games back) and close to the worst record in baseball. How quickly it can happen. So, here's my final question. As a fan, is it better for your team to blow the season in May and free up the rest of your summer, or is it more fun to see a competitive team until August/September completely shit the bed? I'm on the fence, myself.

Chris Singleton Was Better Than Barry Bonds' Brother

Which is pretty sad, really. Singleton's career line: 45 homers, 276 RBIs, .273 BA, .312 OBP--everything went downhill after his rookie year for the Sox. Perhaps that's why Barry's brother is running his mouth right now. Running that forklift just can't compete with brother Barry's and daddy Bobby's baseball greatness, so the only way he can get on ESPN.com is by saying something mildly controversial about Hank Aaron's plans to be absent from Barry's record-breaking night (I'm not unaware that Bobby Jr. is arguing more or less the same thing I did a week or two ago, but come on... you're yapping about your brother to the media? Really?).

Make no mistake, listening to Ed Farmer and Chris Singleton call Sox games on WSCR is 95% pain and 5% gratification (if I hadn't made that clear already), but about 4 out of that 5% of gratification is listening to Farmer trying to get Singleton to name names and tell stories about his (mostly) minor and major league exploits and hearing Singleton giggle and hedge and say that he doesn't want to name names.

One of the better stories Singleton actually did end up telling (he doesn't have many, I don't think--again, for pure entertainment value, as I've said before, give me Hawk and DJ over Farmer and Singleton any day) was about playing with (or against? I can't really remember) Bobby Bonds, Jr. in the minors.

Apparently Bobby Jr. was pretty bad--couldn't hit the ball worth a shit. Singleton said that Bobby was always bitching about how he'd "hit more homers with a better bat"... or maybe it was that he'd "get called up to the majors if they'd let him use better bats." Singleton kinda giggled and noted that, you know, everyone on the team used the same damn bats. Very true, Chris, very true.

Anyway, there you have it. Bobby Bonds, Jr. sucks. Go back to your forklift. Leave the bitching about Major League Baseball to anonymous, talentless bloggers like myself.

Oh, and nice to take that first game from the Yanks this afternoon. Dare I speculate that the offense is waking up? Maybe they finally got some of those bats they never let Bobby Jr. have.

Ozzie Guillen Is Uninterested in Sweeping Teams

Mostly because I'm too lazy but perhaps also because it isn't true, I can't verify this at all. Nevertheless, it seems to me that every time the Sox have an opportunity to sweep a team (and I'm not talking about some stupid 2 game series), Ozzie fields the scrubbiest lineup imaginable.

OK. It's a Sunday. Guys get days off on Sundays. I understand this. OK, AJ Pierzynski needs rest in a bad way. I understand this. But when the White Sox have a chance to sweep a series they had no business sweeping (see both Friday and Saturday night, where the Royals absolutely handed each game to the Sox), when the hitters continue to struggggggle, when Toby Hall is on the brink of coming back, and when you're looking at an off day on Monday, is it too much to ask to have your best lineup on the field? You know, the lineup that has the one guy, apart from Juan Uribe, that is actually showing some semblance of offensive consciousness. AJ is hitting .389 with 2 homers and a double over the past week. Compare that to the team batting average of... ugh... .223 (the lowest, by 11 points, in the majors; nobody else is even close).

Yeah, Javy needs to not give up a 3 run jack to Mark Teahen (that was sadly prescient of you, Bob), and no, the Sox aren't going to score 11 runs even if AJ is in the lineup instead of Molina. The lineup card is really a secondary issue.

More importantly, the Sox continue to choke in key situations. How many times are the Sox going to squander bases loaded or just plain old runners-in-scoring-position opportunities, particularly against mediocre pitchers? This is getting absurd. You aren't going to win many games with 1 run of support--a run that was scored by a bases freaking loaded walk.

I'm not one to be too rash about this sort of thing or look for scapegoats, but when you consistently fail (and by consistent I mean all freaking season--over 30 games to this point) at moving runners over and getting runners in with less than 2 out, something needs to change. That thing is you, Greg Walker.


P.S. It doesn't even really need to be said, but giving up 11 runs to the Royals (tied for the most they've scored this year) is just plain embarrassing. What a horrible, horrible game. Maybe the White Sox should issue an official apology to all the mothers that attended the game today. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Get It, Count

And by "it," I mean a piece of AJ's ass. Get it. Oh, and a complete game shutout. Get that too. Who knew? I honestly thought you'd sort of forgotten how to pitch. What a pleasant surprise. A game over .500 (and 4 back of Cleveland and Detroit) going back home for a 3 game set with KC. You know what that means: if the Sox aren't 4 games over .500 at the end of the weekend, it'll feel like a lost opportunity. It'd be nice to shave a game off of that Detroit and Cleveland lead before we see the Yanks at US Comsicular next week, too. TCB, boys, TCB.

What I Know & Why I'm An Idiot: Round 2

I know that the Reds really can compete for a playoff spot in the Central. They have starting pitching and a pretty solid lineup. They've even been playing better defense this year (or at least Adam Dunn says he's trying harder, and we all know what matters is that you try your best). Plus, they've got the Josh Hamilton Experience just gaining steam and warm fuzzies all over the land.

I'm an idiot because, well they keep fucking losing. And not just losing, blowing winnable games. I occasionally wake up screaming after another nightmare about the bullpen. The falling dream is nothing compared to the "blown four-run lead in the bottom of the 9th" dream. Now, that'll make you wet the bed. I'm also an idiot because I'm putting a whole lot of faith in 36 year old Eddie Guardado coming back from an arm injury to being the closer. I'm not proud of my flawed belief system, but it's all I've got.

I know that the dentist is going to tell me to floss more every time I see him, just like he did today. I also know that he has a bigshot degree, but I'd be nice to see him for more than five minutes per visit.

I'm an idiot because I never take his advice and now I have three brand new cavities waiting to get filled next week. Bring on the Novocaine!

I know that I've become completely apathetic towards this whole Bonds business. It's a foregone conclusion that he's going to break the record now and I couldn't care less. Despite the report Trout mentions below, the media has saturated us with so much talk about it that any ardent follower of the sport knows he did 'roids and knows the record will be tainted. So, I just don't care.

I'm an idiot because... well, because fuck Barry Bonds, that's why. He's a cheater and an asshole and doesn't deserve to break the record. Plus, what kind of worthless SOB do you have to be the most famous player in the game, have your own reality show and still not be able to make anybody like you? Plus, he looks like one of those squeezable dolls where there head blows up and the eyes bugg out. Screw you fat head.

I know that I was really excited for the boxing match Saturday night. Mayweather came off looking like a real piece of garbage beforehand (although I did like him referring to himself as "the 50 Cent of boxing." What's that mean, Floyd? Two hits and then your career is over?). So I was rooting for De La Hoya, even though I had money on Mayweather. We bought the fight and all got together to watch it. I hadn't done that in a long time, and it was fun.

I'm an idiot because the fight was generally pretty boring, just like boxing tends to be today. It went exactly as everybody predicted with Mayweather just being too quick for Oscar. Snooze. Nobody even got hurt in this fight. It was light a couple of heavyweights (in the bad defensive and grabby sort of way). I'm officially done with boxing. At least I won money on Mayweather.

I know that the Kentucky Derby is always one of my favorite days of the year. If you live in KY and can't find a Derby party to go to, you're not looking. We had a grand time, and I made some wagers and drank some beer. And then some more. There's nothing quite like showing up at a partying and hearing "Hey Gage, free keg beer. It was leftover from some frat party." Really? I mean I'm still in my 20s but frat beer? Not that I didn't drink it, of course.

I'm an idiot because I always feel the need to bet more money than I have any business betting on the race. It's really amazing how quickly a trifecta can go to shit. In the blink of an eye, really. Let's just say I had multiple tickets and not one of them had Street Sense on it. Ugh. It's a good thing you can't be addicted to gambling. Whew.

I know that I haven't been posting much lately and I blame that on a number of issues, such as having a "real job" and "responsibilities."

I'm an idiot because I'm really just lazy. I know it's hard to believe, but sometimes I want to just lay on the couch with my pants off watching a Reds' game. Is that so wrong?

A Few Thoughts on Barry Bonds and Race

Well, until the Clemens signing dwarfed all other weekend baseball headlines, the "scientific polling" about Barry Bonds that raised interesting questions about race, drugs, and record breaking was about as juicy as it gets. Juicy. Get it?

What's almost more interesting to me than the actual results of the ABC/ESPN polling is how surprised the media seems to be--or how surprised the media seems to think we should be--that race is a significant aspect of the whole Bonds saga. Although I generally detest Joe Morgan, I have to say he was pretty much on target when he matter-of-factly said something on the Sunday Night Baseball broadcast to the effect of, "Well, when you have questions surrounding black athletes in sports, it's no surprise that there will always be a racial divide over how people perceive that athlete." Now, I don't know about always, Joe, because I like to fancy myself an optimist sometimes and I prefer to avoid words like "always" and "never" (although my fiancee would probably beg to disagree--apparently I have a habit of saying things like "You never unload the dishwasher." What can I say, sometimes always and never are warranted.), but you're right on target with how unsurprising these results should be.

Maybe the surprise has something to do with this poll following so closely on the heels of the self-congratulatory Jackie Robinson festivities a few weeks ago in which it seemed like all was right with baseball racially ("look how far we've come, look what progress we've made!" was the storyline). Sure, the Jackie Robinson celebrations and observations initiated serious conversations about the dwindling African American presence in baseball--but (1) figuring out how to get black kids interested in baseball and (2) figuring out how to deal with what appears to be a quite wide racial divide over a controversial black athlete that perhaps reveals an even deeper and broader racial gap in the sport are two drastically different things.

You want black kids to get involved in youth baseball, Bud? Well, first get your ass in gear and throw some money to some urban initiatives. But maybe you should also man up, make a statement, and be in the freaking ballpark when Barry Bonds--who, aside from being a steroid-using athlete, is also a black athlete--breaks Hank Aaron's record. You think the black fans--adults and kids alike--buy your bullshit line to the effect of "Hey, I wasn't there for Clemens' 300th win, why should I be there for Barry's 756th homer?" (First: 300 wins? Please. 22 pitchers have 300 wins. One man has 755 homers. If Roger Clemens broke Cy Young's wins record, you'd sure as hell be there, asshole). Maybe blacks believe that argument as much as when cops try to tell them that they're not targeted for traffic stops. If they (rightly) see themselves as being guilty of driving while black, how do they not see Barry as guilty of breaking records while black?

What do we learn from this whole mess? Well, maybe a thing or two about how little America has progressed on racial issues... but this is a sports blog, not an academic blog. I deal with these issues too much on a daily basis to want to address them here. So, as far as baseball goes, primarily we get further confirmation that Bud Selig is a colossal fuck-up that seems to compound one fuck-up with another.

He fucked up the 1994 season (and, as a White Sox fan, that one particularly stung). He fucked up (and continues to fuck up) the whole steroids mess by turning a blind eye to Sosa and McGwire because their homers were "good for baseball" coming back from the strike. He fucked up the All-Star game. He's fucking up the salary cap and revenue sharing. And now he's fucking up the celebration of one of baseball's truly special record chases in part because he's already fucked up the steroids issue.

Should Barry have done steroids? Probably not. But should the pitchers he was hitting against (I'm looking at you, Rocket) have done steroids? Probably not. But if it's not against the rules, it's not cheating. And that's what we've got to work with. Sosa and McGwire broke the single-season record on the juice and baseball loved it. Bonds broke those records and baseball loved it a little less. Now Bonds is closing in on an even bigger record, and Bud wants baseball to love it hardly at all, wants to scapegoat Barry for this whole mess that he doesn't have the balls to fix himself. Well screw you, Bud. I'm rooting for Barry.

A Million Dollars a Start

Stupid. No, Steinbrenner's not stupid for spending it. I admire an owner shelling out money to win, regardless of whether or not that money is recklessly or stupidly spent (and I'd say $4.5 million/month on Roger is better spend that whatever they threw at Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright).

Baseball's just stupid for the absence of a salary cap allowing him to spend it. If you want some sort of legacy that goes beyond being a dipshit, Bud, you'd be wise to give some serious thought
to instituting a salary cap.

Oh, and Yankees fans--you still won't win the division. Wildcard, maybe. But a 44-year-old Roger pitching every five days (assuming he doesn't get hurt, which is a pretty big assumption--the Yanks could see exactly the same injury troubles that precipitated Rocket's signing in the first place) doesn't automatically hand you the division, let alone a world championship. My money's still on the BoSox (and that's not the RedSox Nation bias talking... I don't think).

Baseball: It's Just For Men

It's killing me that I can't find the audio for this (or web evidence, for that matter), but when I tuned into the depressing White Sox losses last night and this afternoon (obviously they've taken to believing that scoring runs any other way besides the homerun is for pussies... or they've just become preoccupied with the homerun in general, kind of like Ed Farmer--who, again today, felt compelled to say "one swing can tie it"! Shut up, Ed, just shut up), I was treated to a Just For Men haircolor commercial featuring none other than Andre Dawson and Carlton Fisk.

I guess it's just the Chicago version of the broader ad campaign featuring (I'm) Keith Hernandez(!) and Walt Frazier... and it made me sort of pray for a version out there featuring Johnny Bench and Joe Morgan (note to Gage: keep your ears peeled). I'd also add that Just For Men seems to be making a concerted effort to feature an interracial ad campaign... it's good to know men of all colors can unite over sports and graying hair.

I'd be lying if I didn't think a little less of the Hawk for stumbling his way through "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" (instead of "I don't care if I never get back" it's some awful, stilted line about gray not coming back, and instead of "three strikes you're out," it's "three strikes gray's out") with Pudge, but on some level it was oddly reminiscent of Bob Dylan and Paul Simon stumbling their way through "Bridge Over Troubled Water" back on their 1999 joint tour. And that was cool just for the novelty. It was nice to be reminded just that Andre's still out there, too... and at least marginally culturally relevant. Ahhh, childhood, how I miss thee...