It's not even June yet, but the Reds just lost three out of four to the Nationals, at home dropping them to 18-30 and I'm officially done with them. They now have the worst record in baseball. This month certainly hasn't gotten any better after the horrendous start. The media is beginning to call for Jerry Narron's head and I can't say that I blame them. He consistently mismanages games, dreams up ridiculous lineups and fields a piss poor defensive team on a nightly basis. There's absolutely no signs of righting this ship.
What I'm getting at is this: it's time for me to find another team to root for. I love baseball too much to just give it up for the rest of the season. Now, I'm open to all options if anyone has a compelling reason why I should root for their team, but here's the way I see it:
No Way, No How
Cubs - I'd rather take up knitting and stab myself wit the needles in my temples
Yankees - Only if Steinbrenner paid me $17 million/year.
Red Sox - Maybe after they offered me $17 million to prove they're just as good as the Yankees.
Indians - Even if I could set the in-state rivalry aside, I'm not going to cheer for a red-faced grinning mascot with a feather in his headband.
Astros - Not even if they brought back the retro unis and issued a public statement stating "Roger Clemens is a bitch."
Your Team Sucks
Pirates - I wrote a whole season preview on these guys, have watched them play several times and still couldn't name you a single starting pitcher. No thanks.
Rangers - If it weren't for their off day yesterday they'd have had a chance to tie the Reds for worst record in baseball. At least they have Eric Gagne.
Royals - Shouldn't they have been relegated years ago?
Nationals - While I do support our nation, I'm just going to have to wait and see how this whole grievance thing plays out. I don't want to get pulled into the middle of a nasty court battle.
Rockies - Jeeze, it's already Todd Helton trade rumor season? Time's just slipping away.
Devil Rays - Tampa is playing games in minor league parks now. Must be good for team morale.
Your Barry Bonds Sucks
Giants - Ummm no. The Bonds debacle and easy, breezy, beautiful Barry Zito? Moving on...
Just Fell Short
Brewers - Feel good story, plus who doesn't like people with Wisconsin accents, or cheese, or running sausages. Really, I could root for this team in the playoffs, but they just have too many games against Cincinnati and I couldn't even pretend.
Blue Jays and Orioles - I couldn't figure out a "bird watching" joke for this spot that didn't make me want to throw away my keyboard, so make up your own. Anyway, this should be a fun race for third in the division, yet again, and that's not really worth cheering for.
White Sox - I have no intention to indulge my blog cohort and actually follow his team instead of asking him how many homers Aaron Rowand has for the Sox this year. I bet he hits a hundred.
Diamondbacks - I like their young talent, but I don't think anybody believes they'll pass the three teams ahead of them. Plus, their stadium has air conditioning which is kind of a turn-off. I like my stadiums like my women: hot, sweaty and open-air.
Mariners - Ichiro and Felix, right? That's all I know. Apparently the Pacific Northwest has shut off all baseball transmissions to the Midwest. I have yet to see them play and we all know that Bristol is pretty far away from Seattle so I'm not holding my breath for highlights. It would be virtually impossible for me to follow this team.
Twins - Just not their year. The pitching staff isn't there (single tear for Liriano), and Torii Hunter is playing his butt off to get himself traded after the All-Star break and paid in the off-season. I wonder if he's been talking to Carlos Lee.
Phillies - They've got some exciting young pieces and some wily veterans. That sounds like a fun team to watch. Sadly, no one told Ryan Howard that the season has started and Tom "Rascal Scooter" Gordon is showing his age. Do I think they can make the playoffs? Yeah, I do. Do I think they will? Probably not.
Athletics - Here's another west coast team I know nothing about. I'd love to learn some fun facts about the A's. For all I know, Dan Haren pitches every day and Nick Swisher has formulated his entire persona with the expressed purpose of stealing Jason Giambi's former life.
Padres - I feel like they have some good karma, lots of talent, and of course Greg Maddux pitching complete games against the Reds. How can it go wrong? My only concern is that all the drama of this ongoing immigration debate might get to them, being so close to the border. After all, their offense would be in trouble if Adrian Gonzalez got deported.
Tigers - Last year's feel-good story of the playoffs, until they somehow completely fell apart in the Series. I like Magglio Ordonez and Sean Casey will always hold a special place in my heart. Don't judge me. An added bonus with this choice is that it would really tweak Trout if I was writing about the Tigers for the rest of the season. I think he might have a breakdown if they made the playoffs and the Sox were on the outside looking in. That would make it all worth it.
Braves - Advantage: on TBS all the time so I could actually watch games. Disadvantage: personal history. That's right, I have a grudge against the Braves. When I was in my formative years of little league (6th grade All-Star baby!) I played for the Phillies and was damned proud of it. The same season my brother played for the Braves thus establishing some loosely formed allegiances. Well, that just so happened to be 1993 when they met in the NLCS. We were a house divided. Of course, the Braves won, and I haven't forgiven them since. And I still have a hard time whenever I see John Kruk. Okay, I feel better.
Angels - I like Vlad, I like their pitching staff, I couldn't tell you if Garret Anderson is still playing or not. Yet another west coast team who ends their games at 1am. Of course, there's always Disneyland!
Dodgers - My pick to win the West, they're looking pretty good so far. The problem: they have some douchebags. Could I really convince myself to root for Nomar? Maybe. Jeff Kent though? Not a chance. Just look at that moustache. I'm pretty sure even Kent's teammates want to see him strike out.
So there you have it. I really don't know who to pick. I'm leaning towards the Tigers, but I do hate the notion of picking an AL team. Maybe I'll go with the Braves and try to convince myself that the Reds are going to sign Andruw Jones this offseason. I can't decide. Thoughts?