5.25.2007

Time to Jump on a New Bandwagon!

It's not even June yet, but the Reds just lost three out of four to the Nationals, at home dropping them to 18-30 and I'm officially done with them. They now have the worst record in baseball. This month certainly hasn't gotten any better after the horrendous start. The media is beginning to call for Jerry Narron's head and I can't say that I blame them. He consistently mismanages games, dreams up ridiculous lineups and fields a piss poor defensive team on a nightly basis. There's absolutely no signs of righting this ship.

What I'm getting at is this: it's time for me to find another team to root for. I love baseball too much to just give it up for the rest of the season. Now, I'm open to all options if anyone has a compelling reason why I should root for their team, but here's the way I see it:

No Way, No How
Cubs - I'd rather take up knitting and stab myself wit the needles in my temples

Yankees - Only if Steinbrenner paid me $17 million/year.

Red Sox - Maybe after they offered me $17 million to prove they're just as good as the Yankees.

Indians - Even if I could set the in-state rivalry aside, I'm not going to cheer for a red-faced grinning mascot with a feather in his headband.

Astros - Not even if they brought back the retro unis and issued a public statement stating "Roger Clemens is a bitch."

Your Team Sucks
Pirates - I wrote a whole season preview on these guys, have watched them play several times and still couldn't name you a single starting pitcher. No thanks.

Rangers - If it weren't for their off day yesterday they'd have had a chance to tie the Reds for worst record in baseball. At least they have Eric Gagne.

Royals - Shouldn't they have been relegated years ago?

Nationals - While I do support our nation, I'm just going to have to wait and see how this whole grievance thing plays out. I don't want to get pulled into the middle of a nasty court battle.

Rockies - Jeeze, it's already Todd Helton trade rumor season? Time's just slipping away.

Devil Rays - Tampa is playing games in minor league parks now. Must be good for team morale.

Your Barry Bonds Sucks
Giants - Ummm no. The Bonds debacle and easy, breezy, beautiful Barry Zito? Moving on...

Just Fell Short
Brewers - Feel good story, plus who doesn't like people with Wisconsin accents, or cheese, or running sausages. Really, I could root for this team in the playoffs, but they just have too many games against Cincinnati and I couldn't even pretend.

Blue Jays and Orioles - I couldn't figure out a "bird watching" joke for this spot that didn't make me want to throw away my keyboard, so make up your own. Anyway, this should be a fun race for third in the division, yet again, and that's not really worth cheering for.

White Sox - I have no intention to indulge my blog cohort and actually follow his team instead of asking him how many homers Aaron Rowand has for the Sox this year. I bet he hits a hundred.

Diamondbacks - I like their young talent, but I don't think anybody believes they'll pass the three teams ahead of them. Plus, their stadium has air conditioning which is kind of a turn-off. I like my stadiums like my women: hot, sweaty and open-air.

Mariners - Ichiro and Felix, right? That's all I know. Apparently the Pacific Northwest has shut off all baseball transmissions to the Midwest. I have yet to see them play and we all know that Bristol is pretty far away from Seattle so I'm not holding my breath for highlights. It would be virtually impossible for me to follow this team.

Twins - Just not their year. The pitching staff isn't there (single tear for Liriano), and Torii Hunter is playing his butt off to get himself traded after the All-Star break and paid in the off-season. I wonder if he's been talking to Carlos Lee.

The Contenders
Phillies - They've got some exciting young pieces and some wily veterans. That sounds like a fun team to watch. Sadly, no one told Ryan Howard that the season has started and Tom "Rascal Scooter" Gordon is showing his age. Do I think they can make the playoffs? Yeah, I do. Do I think they will? Probably not.

Athletics - Here's another west coast team I know nothing about. I'd love to learn some fun facts about the A's. For all I know, Dan Haren pitches every day and Nick Swisher has formulated his entire persona with the expressed purpose of stealing Jason Giambi's former life.

Padres - I feel like they have some good karma, lots of talent, and of course Greg Maddux pitching complete games against the Reds. How can it go wrong? My only concern is that all the drama of this ongoing immigration debate might get to them, being so close to the border. After all, their offense would be in trouble if Adrian Gonzalez got deported.

Tigers - Last year's feel-good story of the playoffs, until they somehow completely fell apart in the Series. I like Magglio Ordonez and Sean Casey will always hold a special place in my heart. Don't judge me. An added bonus with this choice is that it would really tweak Trout if I was writing about the Tigers for the rest of the season. I think he might have a breakdown if they made the playoffs and the Sox were on the outside looking in. That would make it all worth it.

Braves - Advantage: on TBS all the time so I could actually watch games. Disadvantage: personal history. That's right, I have a grudge against the Braves. When I was in my formative years of little league (6th grade All-Star baby!) I played for the Phillies and was damned proud of it. The same season my brother played for the Braves thus establishing some loosely formed allegiances. Well, that just so happened to be 1993 when they met in the NLCS. We were a house divided. Of course, the Braves won, and I haven't forgiven them since. And I still have a hard time whenever I see John Kruk. Okay, I feel better.

Angels - I like Vlad, I like their pitching staff, I couldn't tell you if Garret Anderson is still playing or not. Yet another west coast team who ends their games at 1am. Of course, there's always Disneyland!

Dodgers - My pick to win the West, they're looking pretty good so far. The problem: they have some douchebags. Could I really convince myself to root for Nomar? Maybe. Jeff Kent though? Not a chance. Just look at that moustache. I'm pretty sure even Kent's teammates want to see him strike out.

So there you have it. I really don't know who to pick. I'm leaning towards the Tigers, but I do hate the notion of picking an AL team. Maybe I'll go with the Braves and try to convince myself that the Reds are going to sign Andruw Jones this offseason. I can't decide. Thoughts?

20 comments:

Notorious B.O.B. said...

So did you actually pick a team or what? You should pick the Twins because I fucking hate the twins and that fucking asshole Toriiiiii Hunter. I hope he tears a ligament in his damn contract year.

So if you pick the Twins this will let me take out my hatred for them on you and the Sox will probably finish with a better record than them so I can also talk shit to you during the season about how your team sucks.

Fucking Torii Hunter!

trout said...

If you can't name a Pirates starting pitcher, it's because you're not trying. Ian Snell! And that other guy who played for the Indy Indians a couple years ago! Naturally.

trout said...

Oh, and you're joking about Aaron Rowand still being with the White Sox, right? Because if you're not, you've just pissed away any shred of credibility you once had. Sometimes you're so deadpan I can't tell.

Gage said...

I really can't decide. So, you guys hate the Twinkies more than the Tigers? I guess they were awful for a long time.

trout said...

Yeah, man... Sox-Twins is like a blood feud. Even Sox-Indians is more bitter than Sox-Tigers. Even last couple years when the Tigers were on the up-tick, the Sox have owned them. The juiciest thing about Sox-Tigers was the brawl seven years ago. Started by The Worst Pitcher In Baseball, Jeff Weaver.

http://www.sportslawnews.com/archive/Articles%202000/WhiteSoxTigersBrawl.htm

Gage said...

So, did Aaron Rowand get into a fight with Ozzie Guillen or something? I don't watch the news every day.

Notorious B.O.B. said...

Thank you Brian for bringing up the Tigers - Sox brawl. Ive said it many times but I will say it again - I was at the game and it was the best game ever.

Heres a fun game for the two of you to join in on if you'd like. Top 5 hated divisional rivals that are currently playing/managing:

1. Toriiii Hunter - a given.
2. Grady Siezmore - He humps dudes.
3. Mike Sweeney - Retire you old fuck.
4. Rod Gardenhire - yeah we get it, youre a players manager. Youre also a douchebag.
5. Mark Tehan - yeah a second Royals guy. He kills us and therefore I hope he dies a horrible death.

Gage said...

Teahan does have 5 of his career 25 homers against the sox, more than any other club. 5 homers in two years, that must really hurt.
Sizemore, however has been far more potent against the Twins and Royals than the White Sox, so maybe you shouldn't hate him so much. Coming into this season: 12 HR 38 RBI vs. KC 7 HR, 25 RBI vs. MIN and 3 HR 20 RBI vs. CHW. Maybe he's not so bad after all.

Notorious B.O.B. said...

As with Toriiii, Grady does it with his glove as much as with his bat. Hes had a number of game saving catches and HR robbing catches at crucial points of games in his career so far against the sox.

Im sure Torii's numbers versus the sox arent great either but he must have robbed at least 10 HRs against the sox, not to mention injured one of our catchers and talked shit to the media about the sox constantly.

Also, for Grady, take a look at his numbers versus the sox THIS year: .348 3 HR 5 RBI in 6 games. Compared to his season totals: .270 8 HR 23 RBI.

trout said...

Yeah, Grady leading off the season against the Sox with that homer really stick in my mind... ugh. I'll come up with my top 5 Divisional Sox killers later today... suffice it to say, though, that Hawk Harrelson would need at least a top 50 Sox killer list--he'd have to include the entire Twins roster, after all.

Notorious B.O.B. said...

Hawk does love to apply that tag a little too quickly sometimes. Mercy!

Tittle500 said...

On the Cust of Maas is riding a one-way express train to the top...

not even Bobiiii can stop it...

I think you should give the cubs another chance...

Angel Pagan is just such a great guy... he really gives back to the communtiy...


and Zach Duke...

duh...

Tittle500 said...

and Esteban Loaiza
and Jason Schmidt


I really think that if you look at Tony Womack, Jason Kendall, Aramis Ramirez....

and Barry Bonds of course...

The Pirates are finally gonna get over the hump and beat the Braves this year...

in fact...

I think I might add Andy Van Slyke to my fantasy team... I can't believe he's a free agent!

Notorious B.O.B. said...

You SHOULD add Andy Van Slyke, that should widen that lead back up for me. Dont bother trying to pick up Vince Coleman for SBs, I already plucked him off waivers along with Sid Fernandez.

trout said...

OK, top 5 Sox Killers, in Division Edition:

1. Torii Hunter. Deflating catches, big hits, knocking our catcher senseless.
2. Johan Santana. Our guys just don't show up when he pitches.
3. CC Sabathia. See #2. See any left-handed pitcher.
4. Mark Teahen. This guy should not be that good. But he is.
5. Gardenhire. Bah. I hate you, Gardenhire.

Anonymous said...

Valiant effort, but you'll never truly be done with the Reds. They're like a train wreck. You just can't help yourself.

Meanwhile, can someone please take a look at the aftermath of the latest Freel collision and tell me honestly that Norris Hopper DIDN'T use his left hand to pick up the ball (which Freel dropped) and put it in Freel's glove before the ump got out there? Seriously. Tivo Sportscenter and check it out.

Tittle500 said...

I've paid for 2 cubs games in 2 days....

and they have fucking sucked....

GOD DAMN IT

I've been to 3 mlb games in 6 days... and Chicago has lost every time...

fuckity fuck

Tittle500 said...

pretty shocking news to see the namesake of my fantasy baseball organization being released to the impoverished streets of the waiver wire....

and also... the Cano Jeter double penetration connection wasn't getting the job done...

Anonymous said...

The minute you left the bandwagon the Reds won 3 in a row. Just sayin.

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