So rather than diligently working on my last paper of the semester for every single waking minute yesterday, I decided I'd sit down for 10 minutes and fill out my 2007 MLB All-Star ballot 25 times. I also decided I'd watch Deadliest Catch, Mythbusters, the Red Sox vs. Rockies; wish Man vs. Wild was on again (tomorrow!); eat a lot of pistachios; check Deadspin and South Side Sox roughly 30 times throughout the day; do laundry; buy a Father's Day card... and many, many other time-wasting endeavors.
But I imagine if you're reading FTG, you care at least marginally more about the All-Star ballot than the rest of that crap. Because most of you faithful readers are also in my fantasy baseball league--which I lead, naturally--you've no doubt got ants in your pants wanting to find out who was on my ballot. "He's such a baseball wizard that he whips our asses at fantasy baseball every year," you say to yourselves, "he must really know who the All-Stars are." Well yes, yes, I do. Here they are, along with an explanation why, for instance, Ivan Rodriguez is on my ballot instead of Jorge Posada:
1B-David Ortiz. What a lovable guy. Great smile.
2B-Placido Polanco. Felt sorry for him--he looks like a forceps birth baby.
3B-Mike Lowell. Because fuck the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez, that's why.
SS-Carlos Guillen. Because fuck the Yankees and Derek Jeter, that's why.
C-Ivan Rodriguez. Because fuck the Yankees and Jorge Posada, that's why.
OFs-Torii Hunter, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield. I was tempted to go with Craig Monroe for the all-Tigers outfield (hell, that'd make it almost an all-Tigers team), but for some reason I went with Sox killer Torii Hunter. Yeah, Vladi should probably be on this ballot, but he's gonna make the team no matter what.
1B-Prince Fielder. Pujols is coasting on name recognition alone, but Prince is actually close enough to catch him. Let's make it happen, people. Looking forward to seeing his daddy Cecil in the stands. Let's lay down odds on how many seats he'll have to buy.
2B-Brandon Phillips. Because the sexy and logical pick is Chase Utley. Give Cincy some love!
3B-David Wright. See also: David Ortiz. So sexy!
SS-JJ Hardy. Because I'm fucking sick of hearing Joe Morgan fellate Jose Reyes. We all get it. He's good. But JJ Hardy's got 16 homers and he's making $400 grand. Like the chick in the picture, I've got JJ Hardy fever.
C-Russell Martin. Too lazy to look, but I think he's got the best stats. Lo Duca and McCann are coasting on past seasons.
OFs-Jeff Francoeur, Ken Griffey Jr., Carlos Lee. Because for some reason I enjoy snubbing Beltran--and you know he's starting no matter what. El Caballo would make former-Sox starter #2, with Maggs. And wouldn't it be fun to see Griffey starting in center... maybe for one last All-Star game?
The White Sox, after having 7 All-Stars last year, legitimately deserve no more than the minimum this year. And that man will probably be Bobby Jenks... or Mark Buehrle (who started last year) on the strength of his no-hitter. Funny thing is, all 7 of those All-Stars last year are still with the team. Boy, the luster of that World Series title wears off quick.