7.05.2007

Pete Mackanin Will Now Fix The Reds

As everyone already knows, the axe finally fell on Jerry Narron this week and he was replaced with the team's advance scout (the obvious next man in the line of succession) Pete Mackanin. And let me be one of the minions saying THANK GOD for this move. Any serious Reds fan can tell you that Jerry Narron was personally responsible for every single loss this season. It's his fault there's not a single reliever who can pitch the eighth inning. It's his fault Bronson Arroyo has apparently signed his contract extension and stopped trying. And it's most definitely his fault that there haven't been enough morale-boosting dugout brawls.

Of course, Mackanin (henceforth known as P-Mack) came in and won his first game Tuesday night. Obviously this job is just that easy. Yes, there was a slight hiccup on Wednesday but I'll just chalk that up to Independence Day jitters. So, what I'm saying here is that it's going to be a great second half now that the Reds have officially fixed all their problems. Current record: 32-52. Final record: 110-52. Here's a little taste of how July will go down:

July
Arizona - Talk about easy. P-Mack will be described as "using Randy Johnson's height against him." It will revolutionize the entire sport.

NY Mets - The city that never sleeps? How about the manager that never sleeps? Our new manager doesn't sleep, but he does spend three hours a night hanging upside down by his ankles in a hypnotic trance. He emerges every morning with strategies and helpful hints for the players such as "Stop throwing 78 mph fastballs, pussy."

Atlanta - P-Mack will calmly explain to Chipper Jones that a grown man going by a nickname too effeminate for even a stripper is nothing to be proud of. This conversation will be followed by a press release declaring the third baseman be referred to as "Larry" from now on. Apparently Larry is not as good as Chipper and goes 0/15 in the series.

Florida - They'll be riding the D-Train all the way to the broom store to celebrate yet another Reds' sweep. Booyah.

Milwaukee - The surprise team of the first half will be surprised to learn that they're really not as good as they think. P-Mack will calmly point this out over a platter of various wieners that will not be racing. Prince Fielder will immediately devour the entire platter. Because he's chubby.

Chicago - P-Mack will grab a saddle, mount Carlos Zambrano and tame him like a wild stallion. Zambrano will take P-Mack's advice and pursue a new career as entertainment at young girls' birthday parties.

Washington - The manager will invite Ken Griffey Jr. into his office to "discuss the mysteries of the universe." Griffey will emerge at peace and proceed to hit 12 home runs in this series. That will be a record.

Enjoy the games folks. And just wait until August when P-Mack really gets settled in.

6 comments:

Notorious B.O.B. said...

"P-Mack will grab a saddle, mount Carlos Zambrano and tame him like a wild stallion."

I think I will be watching every Reds-Cubs series a little more closely in anxious anticipation for this moment. Give him hell, P-Mack!

Gage said...

I've spent all day trying to think of the right "your mom" joke here, but I just don't have it. Sorry.

Notorious B.O.B. said...

I think the mom jokes just come easier when we're both intoxicated. Just like how your mom is easier when she's intoxicated.

Ba-zing!

Gage said...

Ah, touche

trout said...

You're in good company with Kige Ramsey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woVzdOlB7LM

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